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Mary
Wood
Featured Poet
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Mary
Wood
Mary
Wood is a prolific writer
of humorous rhyming verse
and says she’s eternally
grateful to Forward Press
for setting her on her way
to publishing success far
beyond her own
expectation. Since 1996,
her work has featured in
over 20 anthologies, four
poems were featured in
1997 Rhyme Arrival
editions, and Spotlight
Poets publications ‘Crystal
Skies’ (2001); ‘Vast
Skies’ (2002) and ‘Out
of the Shadows’ (2003).
Mary
launched her second book,
‘Twisted Humour
Unleashed’ on 7
November 2003, and her
first publication, ‘Twisted
Humour,’ which was
originally published in
1998, is in the process of
being revised and will be
back in circulation soon.
Both titles epitomise Mary’s
ability to conjure visions
of mischief and mayhem
arising from
misunderstandings,
confusion and innuendo,
with hilarious results,
culminating in the
inevitable twist in the
tale! She is currently
working on her third book,
Twisted Humour Exposed,
which she hopes to launch
in Summer 2004, and
anticipates a fourth book
will follow in 2005!
Check
out the examples below and
visit Mary’s website (www.twistedhumour.co.uk
 ) for
more information and
on-line order details.
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Youth
of Today!
The
youth walked purposefully
into the corner shop
Earring dangling and
shaved hair crop
Tattooed, with nose-stud
shining bright
Enough to give decent folk
a fright.
Warily,
the assistant watched as
he approached
She was serving a
pensioner when he
encroached
He looked at the lady and
cheekily declared
‘Hurry up, granny!’
The assistant glared.
‘How
dare you speak to my
customer that way
There is no respect from
the youth of today!
You wait your turn, as you
always should
To be rude to people will
do you no good!’
The
pensioner, unable to
believe her ears
Could not understand the
assistant’s jeers
Bemused, she said, ‘Now
have you done?
I am his granny -
he’s my daughter’s
son!’
Our
Love Affair
Our love affair is over, it had to end some day
You always left me breathless, there was no other way
Though I loved you dearly, and miss you avidly
Common sense prevailed, the end just had to be.
Don't think I will forget you, I never ever will
My love for you was true; you're in my system still
Addicted by your presence, though I knew it was a sin
I wanted you, I didn't care, but I could never win.
Occasionally, I see you, out with someone new
That's when I miss you most, now that we are through
My heart beats a little faster, but I shouldn't have regrets
Because I'm so much better since I gave up cigarettes!
The
Local and the Tourist
The local and the tourist, driving on a country lane
Had a minor accident, to add to daily strain
'Nothing to be concerned about,' the local quickly said
'Come on,' he suggested, 'let's have a drink instead
To calm our shaky nerves, look what I have got'
Producing whisky from his car, he invited, 'have a tot'
The tourist complied, thinking the local quite a star
Then the local took the bottle and returned it to his car
'Are you not drinking?' the tourist, to the local, said
'Not until the police have been,' the local shook his head!
Big
Wally!
Big Wally woke in hospital, he was a total wreck
With many fractured bones, and a broken neck
As he lay in agony, to his wife he turned
Asking how it happened, his curiosity burned.
'We were at a party, and had too much to drink'
Explained his wife quietly; her tears were on the brink
'You told us you could fly, and jumped from three floors high'
She held his hand gently, and then began to cry
'Why did no one stop me?' asked big Wally, as he would
'We'd drunk as much as you,' she said, 'we all thought you could!'
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