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Shirley
McIntyre
Winner
of our Top 5 Poets of July
2005 Online
Competition
I
was born in 1950
and I have enjoyed
the combination of
words and humour
for as long as I
can remember.
Happily
married for 34
years I am blessed
with two lovely
daughters and,
just this year, a
beautiful
granddaughter 'Hollea'
who is the light
of my life.
For
many years I have
written poems for
friends' birthdays
and other special
occasions but it
is only quite
recently that I
have written
simply because I
enjoy it. Having
time on my hands
since being
medically retired
from my job as a
charity
administrator, I
decided to join a
local Creative
Writing Class and
I've never looked
back! I shall
always be grateful
to my tutor Dave
Wood for
encouraging me to
us my 'off the
wall humour' and
lateral thinking
mind in my
writing.
I
can find humour in
almost any
situation and this
questionable
'talent' has seen
me through many
difficult patches
(and also got me
into trouble now
and then when
seeing the funny
side of things has
not always been so
appropriate)!
I
was very glad to
find Forward Press
and I am delighted
to have had two
short stories and
two poems included
in various
anthologies. This
latest accolade -
'The Barbecue'
being chosen as
the July winning
poem - has made me
very happy and
given me the
impetus to
continue to strive
to improve my
writing.
Pets
A
furry being in
your home is
something I can't
fathom
They smell, they
moult, they're
greedy, why would
you want to have 'em?
They make a mess,
they stratch and
bite, they jump up
on your chairs
They'll even leg
you over if they
catch you unawares
They
cost a pretty
penny if they
should need the
vets
For fleas and
worms and often
worse are what you
get with pets
So my home's clean
and smell-free,
elegant smart and
chic
I've money in my
pocket and my
heart's a swinging
brick.
A
Drunkard's Dream
Miss
Peabody has passed
away, they think
she may have
drowned
Her deathbed was a
soggy mess when
she was finally
found
Her petard was
well hoisted so I
think you will
agree
That dandelions
have caused her
fate of drowning
in her wee
Let's
not forget the
benefits she left
in her demise
Where would we be
without Miss P and
her true
sacrifice?
If she'd not
stumbled headlong,
that night so long
ago
The dandelion's
secret, no one
would ever know
The
world would be so
different, a
sadder, dryer
place
We must not
underestimate this
improved human
race
We can drink and
have a skinful
without that
nagging dread
Of waking up six
times each night
and leaving our
warm bed
The
dandelions they
work their charm
as everybody knows
They bring on
Enuresis, you just
lay there and it
flows
Damp beds each day
are nothing when
you've had a full
night's snooze
It's thanks to
Lady Peabody that
we can sup more
booze.
The
Immigrant
Vegetable
Before
I came here I was
round Monsieur's
neck
He rode on a bike
- it was an old
wreck
We were over the
sea at the side of
the Seine
Oh if only I could
just remember his
name
I
know he was
wearing an old
black beret
And a long stripey
scarf even on fine
day
Folks shouted to
him "Bonjour,
Parlez-vous"
But being an onion
I hadn't a clue
I'm
no good at French
but that's not a
worry
I enhance to
perfection and
Escargot Curry
There's one other
thing I can do
without trying
At the drop of a
hat I have
everyone crying.
Knickers
My
secret's out and I
don't care I'm
happy to be free
Billowing gently
on the line right
there for all to
see
My days of lies
are over and I'm
very proud to say
"No envy
please, oh yes
they're
mine!" when
it is washing day
For
years it's been my
secret, I feared
the looks and
snickers
If acquaintances
and friends found
out that I wore
comfy knickers
But now I'm at
that certain age
to hell with style
and fashion
Capacious pants so
soft and thick
have always been
my passion
Pastel
colours, cotton
gusset and a
stretchy waist
No bows or nylon
thank you and
please no scratchy
lace
I like my nether
regions to be
comfy, safe and
snug
I hate those
thongs and things
that chafe and
itch and scratch
and rub.
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